From Frank's Desk: Official Rulings, Vol. 1
MEMORANDUM
FROM: Frank, Director of Operations, The Dachshund Report
RE: Accumulated matters requiring official ruling
DATE: September 7, 2026
It has come to my attention that a number of you have been conducting your dachshund ownership without proper guidance.
This is unacceptable.
I have reviewed the matters that have been piling up on my clipboard — yes, I have a clipboard; no, you may not touch it — and I am prepared to issue the following official rulings.
These are final.
Ruling #1: "Is It Okay to Let My Dachshund Sleep in My Bed?"
Matter submitted by: Approximately 4,000 of you, daily.
Ruling: The question is based on a false premise. The bed was never yours.
You may have purchased the mattress. You may pay the mortgage on the room that contains it. This is irrelevant. The moment a dachshund occupies a sleeping surface, ownership transfers. This has been settled law since approximately the 15th century, when a German forester's dachshund claimed a hay bale and the forester slept on the ground.
Your dachshund is not "sleeping in your bed."
You are sleeping in your dachshund's bed.
They are tolerating this.
Status: Filed. No further correspondence will be entertained.
Ruling #2: "My Dachshund Barks at the Mailman Every Single Day. How Do I Stop It?"
Matter submitted by: Several concerned parties who seem to misunderstand their dog's job description.
Ruling: Your dachshund is performing its designated function.
These animals were engineered — and I do mean engineered — to locate threats in underground tunnels and announce their findings at volume. The mailman approaches your territory every 24 hours carrying suspicious parcels. From your dachshund's perspective, this is an ongoing security breach that they have been single-handedly preventing for years.
You are welcome.
The fact that the mailman has not yet breached the interior is, in your dachshund's professional assessment, proof that the protocol is working.
I will not be issuing a ruling to cease a successful security operation.
Status: Denied. The barking continues.
Ruling #3: "Can I Put a Sweater on My Dachshund?"
Matter submitted by: An owner whose dachshund appears to shiver in temperatures below 60°F.
Ruling: Permitted, under the following conditions:
- The garment must be functional (warmth), not decorative (your entertainment).
- The dachshund must be able to walk, burrow, and conduct standard patrol operations without restriction.
- No hats. I cannot stress this enough. Hats are undignified and this office will not sanction them.
- If the dachshund removes the sweater within 30 seconds of application, this constitutes a formal objection. Their ruling overrides mine.
I should also note that smooth-coated dachshunds have a legitimate thermoregulation complaint. Wire-haired dachshunds do not. They are simply being dramatic.
Status: Conditionally approved. Hat requests will be shredded.
Ruling #4: "My Dachshund Stole an Entire Rotisserie Chicken Off the Counter. Should I Be Worried?"
Matter submitted by: A party who appears to have underestimated their dachshund's vertical ambitions.
Ruling: Regarding the medical question — consult your veterinarian. This office does not dispense medical advice. Cooked bones are a genuine concern and this is not a matter for a clipboard.
Regarding the logistical question — how a 10-inch-tall animal accessed a kitchen counter — I have several follow-up inquiries:
- Was a chair involved?
- Was a child's backpack used as a stepping stool?
- Has this happened before, and if so, why was the counter not secured after the first breach?
In my experience, a dachshund who has successfully executed a counter heist will not only attempt it again — they will refine their technique. You are now in an arms race with an animal that was bred to outthink badgers.
I wish you luck. You will need it.
Status: Referred to veterinary counsel. Counter security recommendations to follow in a separate memo.
Ruling #5: "My Dachshund Refuses to Go Outside When It's Raining. Is This Normal?"
Matter submitted by: Multiple owners, particularly during autumn.
Ruling: Yes.
Your dachshund has assessed the conditions — wet, cold, undignified — and has issued its own ruling. They will not be going outside.
This is not stubbornness. This is risk assessment performed by a small animal whose belly is approximately two inches from the ground. Rain, to a dachshund, is a full-body event. You experience rain on your head and shoulders. Your dachshund experiences rain on its head, back, sides, belly, and all four extremely short legs, simultaneously.
Their position is reasonable.
Provide an indoor option or wait for the rain to stop. Negotiation is futile. I have tried.
Status: Ruling deferred to the dachshund in question.
This concludes Volume 1 of Official Rulings.
Additional matters may be submitted for review in the comments. They will be added to the clipboard.
I make no promises about timeline. I am, as always, very busy.
— Frank
Director of Operations, The Dachshund Report
Current clipboard status: Full.
